I'm a nice guy, really, I am. I do nice things all the time! Take last week for example. I saw an ad in the newspaper for people to volunteer at a local children's day care, and being the great guy that I am, I decided to sign up. And you know what, it was a very rewarding experience! I waltzed into the day care a cool 10 minutes late, and announced that I was the volunteer they'd been waiting for. I chatted with the woman working there for quite some time. She was very nice to me until I asked her how much I would be payed, after which she promptly stopped acknowledging my existence. I was beginning to think that this "volunteer work" was simply a scam to get me to work without being paid, when an old woman named Edna led me to the little children I would be looking after. There were a lot of children! Thirty in fact! I sat down in front of them and introduced myself:

"Hello children! My name is Silveromen, I run a website. Can everyone say Silveromen? Repeat after me, Silver Omen."

A little boy then spoke:

"Silve Romen!!"

"How nice, I didn't know that I would be looking after dumb asses," I replied. "So, what have you all been doing lately?"

"Mr. Romen, we've been watching Sesame Street and learning a lot!," said a little girl.

Ahhh, yes, Sesame Street I thought. How could I forget that show? All the Muppets, and all the counting, such nostalgia. The children wanted to watch another Sesame Street video, so I looked around. Unfortunately, nothing seemed very good. I had watched Cookie Monster stuff his fat face with various shit for years now, and if I saw Elmo's cute mug and voice again, I thought I was gonna puke. No, it was time for something different. I looked around the room, and found what I needed. I loaded up the computer, and logged onto the Internet. I knew what these children needed. I had found this particular video a long time ago. Yes, I remember that day well. I was innocently searching on the net for "hardcore sex movies" when I found this. I turned to the children:

"Alright kids," I said. "Now, I know you love Sesame Street, and so do I. So, I'm going to show you all a little video starring one of my favorite actresses, Pamela Anderson, and everyone's favorite Muppet, Bert!"

The children squealed in delight. I clicked play and the movie started........

Bert: "Work, work, work, that's all I do these days. Can't even get a decent blow job in this fucking town anymore. I tried collecting bottle caps to keep my mind off of things, but that fuck of a roommate Ernie keeps selling them to "Antiques Roadshow" for beer money. One of these days I'm gonna shove that fucking rubber ducky so far up his ass, he's gonna bleed asshole juice for a good year."

*KNOCK, KNOCK, KNOCK*

Bert: "It's 6:00 at night, who the fuck could that be?"

*KNOCK, KNOCK, KNOCK*

Bert: "Yeah, yeah. Hold your fucking horses, I'm coming."

*Bert opens door*

Bert: "HOLY SHIT!!!"

*Hot, steamy porno music starts playing. Pamela Anderson is standing at the door wearing a hot, revealing girl scout uniform.*

Pam: "Oh, hey there! I'm from the Honorary Owl Scouts, or Hooter Scouts as we call them! Me and my friends are going door to door selling Hooter Scout Cookies. They're real hot and sexy, wanna buy some?"

Bert: "Oh shit! I, uh, I, uh, I.,,,,"

Pam: "Oh, I see. Perhaps you would like to try a free sample?"

*Pam starts undoing Bert's little pants, and begins blowing him up.*

Bert: "Oh, oh, oh. Ohhhhhh, hell yeah. Yeah, that's it baby, yeah, that's the spot....Oh, fuck yeah....Oh yeah....work those jaws girl.......oh fuck yeah....oh..yeah...oh.......those are some sweet cookies......"

*Then, Pam get's totally naked, and Bert goes in!*

Bert: "OH YEAH BABY!!!! YEAH BABY!!!!!"

Pam: "Oh, harder, harder, work that yellow cock! Oh yes, yes, your stuffing is so hard!"

I was enjoying the hell outa the video, as I slowly crept towards the back of the room. Unfortunately, those little brats had to ruin it for me.

"Ummm, Mr. Romenomen," said a little boy. "What is Bert doing to that lady?"

"Isn't it obvious," I said. "He's fucking the chick, DUH! Goddamn, are you dumb or something?"

"Noooooooo!! Is he hurting her?!?! The nice girl is moaning!!," said a girl.

Then a kid started crying:

"Whaaaaaaaaahhh!!!!!! Bert's bleeding white blood out of his wee-wee!!"

After that remark, all of the children started crying! I panicked big time! Then, Edna returned to the room.

"What is going on?," she said. "Wait a minute. Mr. Omen! Are you showing these children hardcore Muppet Pornography?"

"Well," I said. "I, uh. Ummm. Gotta go! Bye!!!!!!!"

With these words I ran out of the building, dived into my car, and drove home at 95 MPH. I hear there's a warrant out for my arrest, so I had better hang low for a few days. I think I'll keep away from volunteer work for awhile. Plus, I still have yet to receive my paycheck in the mail. Lousy bunch of cheap bastards.........

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